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Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

A bit of mourning…

I am going to to take this moment to mourn. I think recently, I have lost a lot of true feeling for those who I have lost. I have disregarded that they are no longer in my life like it is normal. And maybe it is becoming normal.

No, I’m not talking about death. I am talking about the handful of good friends that I have lost over the years for whatever reason. Sometimes, I don’t even know that reason. Some of the fading relationships were just that-we slowly grew apart, and others had dramatic ends. Still others ended in a deceitful way, and some broke my heart. I guess I’m in a place where my heart is hardened toward these losses and I feel I need to say something about that.

Dear Old Friend,

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were just as close now as we used to be. You and I have both changed, but I wonder what it would be like if we both still loved each other as the people we’ve turned into or if we’d be different people if we were still best of friends. I believe that I am who I am because of the people around me and my circumstance, so maybe we’re not supposed to be friends. But I still wonder.

In a way, I haven’t forgiven you for believing that I was dispensable and replaceable. I still see some of you and I am appalled when you are surprised at things about my personality. I am frustrated when we talk small talk when we never used to. I hate that you don’t want me like you used to. And I don’t know if you feel this way about me.

But I owe you an apology. Whether our friendship faded, you walked away, or I failed you, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not love hard enough. I am sorry that I did not endlessly forgive you or give you the benefit of the doubt. I am sorry if I was not a friend who respected and loved you clearly. I am sorry that I was not relentless.

Because I believe in the kind of love that never ends. I believe in a love that does not know that apathy exists. I believe in a love that draws you in and holds you tight. This love also loves when it is not loved back. Like with God. He loves you even if you don’t love him. And I didn’t do that. I barely know what that is like.

So there’s my apology. My apology of my unforgiveness and unlove. I shouldn’t un-anything.

And, I miss you.

Trying to Love a Little,

Bridget Gee

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