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Posts Tagged ‘patience’

Sola

So I am single. I have been single for almost twenty years. Ok, I exaggerate. I probably did not care about being single until I was in 7th grade.

That’s when it all started. Cameron Doran. I idolized him. I dreamed of being with him, holding his hand, and laughing with him. I dreamed of hanging out with him the way older kids do- go on dates, study together, etc. Two things: I didn’t become his friend, and I was 12.

After that silly phase, I had the closest thing to a relationship that I’ve come so far. He was my best friend, but we were too young, so it never went farther, and then it just ended.

Since then, there have been countless guys who I could never have, or didn’t truly want, or couldn’t gather the courage to tell my feelings. I have never been on a real date. I have never been kissed. I have two guy best friends who I consider myself very close to, but not one guy that I have been romantically close with.

I used to think that something was up with me. Do I scare guys? Is there something wrong with me that I can’t see? Are people too afraid to tell me? But that kind of thinking is futile.

Here’s what I have realized. God must be keeping me from something, for something even better. But I also owe something very big to God: a whole heart.

All my life I have been single, but I refused to believe it. I did everything I could to be attatched or as close to unavailable as possible. Most of this behavior has been mental. I have never liked being single, I always yearned to give my heart away and for it to be taken.

That’s unfair to my God though. He yearns to have my heart and take care of it. Even though I have been single all my life, and even though I have been comitted to God all my life, I never have given God my heart fully. Until recently. I have prayed over my aching heart and the struggle it has been through my entire life.

I know I am valued.
I know I am loved.
I know I am beautiful.

But there’s always something missing. Being fully alive in God’s wild love. So what I am up to lately is being single: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. God calls us to love him with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength. Not most of it, ALL OF IT.

I’m not going to be looking for that guy to come around and sweep be off my feet. I’m no longer going to hope that the other guy breaks up with his girlfriend. I’m not going to wait in secret hope that the guy I like is going to all of the sudden fall in love with me. I am going to wait for the beauty God has for me. I will only be satisfied in his love and let him bless me and lavish his love on me.

Because in his time, when my heart is fully his, he will give me the desires of my heart. I have complete faith in that.

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