Posts Tagged ‘God’

Let’s get serious. This is my Big Girl Blog, after all.

When I was younger, and even into high school, I had a shameless faith. I remember being in Sunday school, singing simple songs about a Savior that was so big, so grand, and so great. I believed in the deepest parts of my four year old heart that that GIANT God intimately loved me, even more than my parents did, more than anyone did. I believed that He loved everyone and wanted everyone to love Him too. That belief led me to just NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT for years and years and years. I could not stop talking about my Jesus with friends and teachers and coworkers and everyone I met. I knew that my God was big enough to heal all their hurts, make their lives new and bright like mine, and make sure they knew how much they were loved by the God of the Universe!

This year, I have missed that girl, who does not forget her Maker and what He is capable of.

For a while now, I have been struggling in my faith. Maybe it’s just a part of getting older, being exposed to the darkness of the world, the darkness of my own soul through self-awareness, and laziness. Forget the ‘maybe,’ it’s all three of those things. Life has been a journey (and don’t get me wrong, my life has been a blessed one), but I strongly believe that everyone’s deepest hurt is just as deep as anyone else’s deepest hurt. My hurt is all I know, and I know that it has led me to sin in ways I never thought imaginable. My hurt has made me weak and I have become a person who does not run into that wonderful, big, GIANT, grand, loving God’s arms when I need strength.

Pause. Let me tell you a story.

The book of Daniel in the Bible has a recurring theme: God will always win.
That’s my paraphrase, anyway. This book is crazy. Give it a read sometime. Daniel is about Daniel’s experience as an exile of Judah who is forced to serve the king of Babylon from a young age. Through God’s favor and spirit in Daniel, Daniel gains favor over and over again with each new king by interpreting dreams. Daniel is faithful to his God. Through all obstacles, Daniel prays everyday to Yahweh, he gives all the glory to Yahweh, and he lets his God do work in this foreign land in which he is essentially enslaved. Over and over again, the Babylonian leaders are humbled through seeing Daniel’s God work. Many times, they say this about Daniel’s God:

“his dominion is an everlasting dominion, it will never be destroyed.”

Essentially, God wins.
And this is the God that I believe in: a God who would let some of his sons be exiled and enslaved in another country in order that He could be given glory in that country. A God who shows up when his sons are being thrown into a fiery furnace. They were not burned. A God who gives the prideful king of a foreign country a dream for one of his sons to interpret so that that nation might glorify him.

Over and over: “his dominion is an everlasting dominion, his kingdom will last forever.”

That’s the God that little Bridget believed in. That’s the God that little Bridget wanted her friends, family, and teachers to know. A God in control. A God that shows up. A God that saves. A God that would do anything to win you over. A God who is SO BIG that it’s terrifying, and yet still loves you.

I guess I haven’t stopped to remember my God and all the good he’s done for me already. My mighty God who is in control, and only has an adventure in store for me. Like Daniel, I hope that even if I am taken into a place I don’t want to go, that I could still be faithful to my Big God who is in control.

God is still God, no matter where I am. He still has a plan, even when I have no clue. He still knows what’s up, even when I feel at a total loss.

Did you ever consider that when you make life about you and your situation, that you’re greatly minimizing your world? When you make your life about Jesus, then the possibilities are endless! You can become a person who interprets dreams for the nations. You could become a tamer of lions. You could become someone who turns the world’s most powerful kings to the Lord Most High.

That is what I MUST do. I MUST let God be who He is! If I don’t, then my world shrinks to nothing. The possibilities end where my own capabilities end. Without God, I am nothing. Literally. I wouldn’t exist.

Just talking about this, reading the story of Daniel, and thinking back on who God is has already built up my faith some more. Lord, pour it down on me. I can’t get enough of you.


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A bit of mourning…

I am going to to take this moment to mourn. I think recently, I have lost a lot of true feeling for those who I have lost. I have disregarded that they are no longer in my life like it is normal. And maybe it is becoming normal.

No, I’m not talking about death. I am talking about the handful of good friends that I have lost over the years for whatever reason. Sometimes, I don’t even know that reason. Some of the fading relationships were just that-we slowly grew apart, and others had dramatic ends. Still others ended in a deceitful way, and some broke my heart. I guess I’m in a place where my heart is hardened toward these losses and I feel I need to say something about that.

Dear Old Friend,

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were just as close now as we used to be. You and I have both changed, but I wonder what it would be like if we both still loved each other as the people we’ve turned into or if we’d be different people if we were still best of friends. I believe that I am who I am because of the people around me and my circumstance, so maybe we’re not supposed to be friends. But I still wonder.

In a way, I haven’t forgiven you for believing that I was dispensable and replaceable. I still see some of you and I am appalled when you are surprised at things about my personality. I am frustrated when we talk small talk when we never used to. I hate that you don’t want me like you used to. And I don’t know if you feel this way about me.

But I owe you an apology. Whether our friendship faded, you walked away, or I failed you, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not love hard enough. I am sorry that I did not endlessly forgive you or give you the benefit of the doubt. I am sorry if I was not a friend who respected and loved you clearly. I am sorry that I was not relentless.

Because I believe in the kind of love that never ends. I believe in a love that does not know that apathy exists. I believe in a love that draws you in and holds you tight. This love also loves when it is not loved back. Like with God. He loves you even if you don’t love him. And I didn’t do that. I barely know what that is like.

So there’s my apology. My apology of my unforgiveness and unlove. I shouldn’t un-anything.

And, I miss you.

Trying to Love a Little,

Bridget Gee

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I stumbled upon this news brief while I was researching something for a short story I am writing.

You won’t understand my blog until you watch the story of Brooke Greenberg. Watch it all the way through. Copy and paste the link in your web browser (it was the best way I could share this).


Did you see that? Brooke’s body doesn’t work as one unit, it works as individual parts, and therefore doesn’t mature. She still thrives and lives, but not like a normal human, like a baby.

Isn’t that wild!?!

In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about how the members of “the Church” (any believers) make up a body.
“But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

He goes onto say that we will only be used to our full capacity if we work as one.

Today, I think the Church is like Brooke, all a part of the body, but working separately. Denominations let theology get in the way, churches let discomfort stop them from furthering God’s kingdom, sub ministries go off on their own. We are a part of the body, but we separate ourselves from each other as believers because of the walls we put up and because of our disagreements.

I think there’s a call in this. One, we need to get over ourselves. Two, we need to pray together for what God wants us to do as a body. We need to stop being the Church that shuts down homeless ministries because there are too many homeless people polluting in the area. We need to stop being the Church that rejects the rejects. We need to stop being the Church who kicks people out for whatever reason. Because just believing the same thing is not enough. Being separate as a body, will only keep us alive. We’ll remain toddlers. But we aren’t called to that. We have to thrive as a unit.

Because God is a God of unity.

And thank Him, he’s also a God of love. Like the Greenberg family, God constantly wants to be with us. He still pours out his love over us despite our inability to thrive as one unit. We are so inconvenient for him, but he is relentless with us.

I think the Greenberg family is like God in that respect. Thank you Brooke, for showing me something. Thank you Greenbergs for living in love the way you do. And thank you God for making those people.

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Everyday more and more I realize that it’s not about me. I sometimes ask God to give me more of a global perspective because I get caught up in what I know and I act like that’s absolute reality. The world is not attached to my feet. I’m just a blip on it.

So when I am surprised at things sometimes, I feel like I shouldn’t be. Things and people exist beyond me.

The most recent example is this weekend. I am in Indiana for my cousin’s wedding. These cousins grew up homeschooled, in pentecostal churches, never watching TV. They are the sweetest, kindest hearted, and most innocent people I know.

Our parents are siblings and have lived completely different lives, as have we. We all love Jesus so much and have committed to living our lives for him. But we could not be more different! How did I turn out so worldly? Why do things that shock them do nothing for me? Why have I justified some situations that they are appalled at?

We grew up differently, but still. Where did my standards for what is right and wrong for me to be a part of change? I have talked about this topic endlessly and thought about it with much conviction. I love where I’m at and my relationship with God. I am by no means perfect. I mess up everyday. And even as a Christian, I have been considered quite innocent and naive about “street smarts.” But next to my cousins, I am Jezebel! (If you don’t know who that is, check out the Bible 1Kings 16-2Kings 9)

I’m sorry, I don’t feel like this blog is very coherent, but my point is this: I wish I would guard my heart more. I wish I would hold myself to a higher standard of purity. Because I am not pure. I don’t know why I called this blog Pure…ish. It should be called Not Pure. There are good people out there. I am not one of them. Not even 50.1% good.

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I was praying with my dear friend Brittany today. She and I lead our campus outreach team in the Christian group I’m a part of here at University of Arizona. We were praying for next semester and the things that are going to happen, for God to give us strength and grow in us mightily. We know that with these things that we are being called to do on campus will come much persecution. And this isn’t just persecution from strangers, but it will be constantly spiritual and also from our own community.

So I was thinking about that aspect. Will my closest friends turn on me? Will they unsupport me? When I am doing crazy and uncomfortable things will they run in the opposite direction?

I have a few friends in mind for this. I hope you are reading this. My request is that you all lift Brittany and I up in prayer. If there is ever a moment of doubt or disagreement in you, pray about it, dwell on it. Come to me with that if the doubt sticks, but come to me encouragingly and gently. I need my community. I need support. I need to be actively loved. I need to be given the benefit of the doubt.

I guess this is my warning, my only way of really preparing anyone else. Please love me. If you don’t meet those requests, it’s ok. I will still love you. Because it’s not you all who I should rely on for strength, it’s Christ.

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Being Selfish

There is one thing we should be selfish with.

Our devotion to God.

I think our selfishness is the biggest thing that separates us from a good relationship with him. Our own selfishness separates us from that freedom that God gives us to live a life of love and joy.

I was thinking about my selfishness at the beginning of this last summer. The times I am unhappy and get myself in trouble and feel distant from the Maker of the Universe is when I am being selfish. I used to hate when my parents would say, “the only reason you’re upset is because you’re not getting what you want.” I was always true. That’s why I hated it. Maybe it’s a sign that I am growing up that I notice that. There have been small times and big times that I ignored God out of my selfishness.

Disobedience to God is sin. Not worshipping Jesus is sin. Believing lies is sin.

Sin does not have to be this big wrong act for it to be missing the mark. It could be ignoring God. It could be believing the opposite of what God is telling you. It could be stealing or lying. Either way, it hurts us to sin. We originally think we are doing what we can to help ourselves when in reality, we are damaging our hearts and sometimes of those around us.

My roommate said something striking to me last night. When we sin, to God it looks like this:

You’re lips are locked with the enemy while you’re looking at God.

I don’t know if she heard/read that somewhere, but it was intense. Wouldn’t that kill you to see the person you love most loving on someone else while they looked at you? I would vomit.

God loves us with a love we will never understand or be able to grasp. He will run after us and won’t relent until our very last breaths. He wants so badly for us to be in HIS arms, not in anyone else’s. Don’t get me wrong, he wants us to love each other. I believe we learn a lot about God if we are truly loving each other. But he wants to be our motive, our passion, or life and joy, our freedom. He doesn’t want to see us going the easy way out and lifting someone else above him.

I have been let down by everyone that I love. At times, I have loved them more than I have loved Jesus. It’s ridiculous because, they my love me, but he is love. He gave his life for me so I could live and experience real love. Because he knows I’m going to be selfish. He knows I’m going to ignore him when it’s easier for me to.

Oprah says she can’t love a “jealous” God. Who wouldn’t want someone to want you so much that if you are giving more of your love to someone/thing else, they would be furious. It doesn’t mean he rants and raves and punishes. He aches and longs and cries for us. He does this for me too, and I say I love him most. I dream about giving my everything to him.

But it’s not in my nature to do that. I want to live for myself. I want to be a living sacrifice (ha, that’s what Jesus is!) for my Lord.

Oh God, I could go on and on about my selfishness. Help me be selfish for you. Help me chose you over any and everything. Help me be selfish with you and make everything about you. Fill me up with you. I love you. But not enough. I’m sorry I listen to lies and believe them. I’m sorry I lie to myself. I’m sorry that you aren’t always the first thing on my mind. Be in me. Use me!

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I wanted to stop for a second and write about my day.

I got 5 hours of sleep last night for the 7:30am midterm I had. I could have gone to sleep much earlier, but I didn’t know that. So I woke up hating life for the first hour of my day. I went outside and it was 53 degrees. For me, that’s cold. And I was wearing this little comfy sweater. Comfy, but not wind repelling. I had to get off my bike for a little bit on the way to class because I couldn’t breathe. I found out my midterm was about a 1000x easier than I studied for and had an hour before my next class. So I got myself a bagel and coffee. Even though I am not a fan of coffee. But dang, it’s cold today. Then I sat through my theater class like a grump because I am so tired it hurts. My partner thought I was just being mean to him. Ha. Then I went to my next class and sat their for 24 minutes going over the midterm, which I didn’t do too well on.

But everything changed when I walked out the door. The chilly wind blew high above in the palm trees. It was refreshing for my warm and tired face. The sun was shining and everything looked beautiful, sounded beautiful, and felt wonderful.

How God, did I neglect to see this until 4 hours into my day? I am tired, but you are my strength. I am weak, but you are my joy. I even laughed at the seemingly hobo man riding his bike away from campus with two extra tires over his handlebars. (I hope there isn’t a tireless bike on campus somewhere. Because poor bike owner, a hobo stole them. Haha.)

Then I remember the last few days. In the last five days, I have heard from so many of my friends wishing me a happy birthday. And I know that facebook wall posts can be impersonal, but still. I got texts, phone calls, and way more people attended my birthday party than I expected. One of my friends told me, “Bridget, look at how many people love you?” I am just grateful that God pours out on my heart and gives me the kind of love I desire. I love people and in return, they love me back. I can only attribute that to God.

I know this is a ramble. But the point is that even though I’m tired to the point of passing out, I am happy. Very happy.

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